She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
Randomize
