you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
did you just send me my own nude
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Randomize
