I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
