Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize
