Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
