I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
My ATM looks so different sober.
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
