Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
Randomize
