What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Randomize
