I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
I need to stop hooking up with boys in my major. three boys in one class is just a litttle too awkward.
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
Randomize
