im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
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