At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
Come on, it shouldn't be that hard NOT to suck someone's dick
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Randomize
