Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Randomize
