for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
I came so hard my ears popped.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
I woke up under a house in Key West
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