She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
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