how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
Randomize
