dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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