My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
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Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
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Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
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