You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
Randomize
