My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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