I wish I could teleport
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
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