so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
