Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
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