it seems that i get a boner from just about everything now
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
im doing shots everytime lil jon says it in the song shots....blackout town here i come
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Randomize
