dude im shwasted, kabul is not the best place for this
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
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