my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
Randomize
