Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
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