Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
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She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
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So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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