Yo I charged a $20 breakfast to ur room, will pay u back in liquor and schoolgirl panties, thx again for a fun time
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
Randomize
