I prefer the term 'tenderly watching'
such a stalker...
she wanted to love me. she just didn't know it yet.
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
Randomize
