these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
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