I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
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