Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
Randomize
