and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
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