he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
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