i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
