I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
She stumbled into class and Google image searched nipple piercings for the entire 75 minutes
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
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