i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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