Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
Randomize
