life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
