so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
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