My hand turned me down
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
Randomize
