why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
