i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
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my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
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i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
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