Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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