My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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