You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
Randomize
