I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
Randomize
