My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
Her problem is just that he inner beauty is just as ugly as her physical beauty
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Randomize
