If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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