im so drunk with asians
where?
always
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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