Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
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I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
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I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
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